This was kind of a FAIL. Oh Well. :)

I can't get this any bigger and it's driving me nuts. If you go down to the bottom of your screen where it says 100%, you can zoom into 150% and see it better. Sorry. Anyway... here it is... my first original cartoon about my life as a psuedo single mom.

Frustration

SO.VERY.FRUSTRATED.

The one thing that frustrates me more than anything else on the face of the planet is being told that I agreed to something in a conversation that I didn't. Why does this frustrate me so much? I am sure one would assume with a memory like mine this could happen. It's probable. It's feasible. It's probably even HAS happened a time or two. I guess because when I actually do remember the conversation that you're referring to... it's not that I agreed to something and then did the opposite. It's more like you probably told me how you felt about something... and then I choose to not argue and let you say your peace. That is not agreement. That is called listening.

More than likely, when it is a man that is at odds with me over this... what I was actually doing is allowing you to just vent. My feminine ears sensed what they thought was the need for a good "letting out of emotion." I thought about telling you to just "talk it out"... "just let it out"... I'm here for you. But then I was like, "Holy SHIT! He's venting. I spend half my life wondering what the hell he's thinking... and here it is! YAY! Feelings! He's letting me in! I'm in baby... I'm IN!" My heart is swelling. So I'm all wrapped up in your walls coming down... and wondering if I should pat your knee... or get you a bowl of ice cream. I am LISTENING to you. You're sharing your feelings with me. I'm mentally cataloging what your wearing right now so that I might keep this for later. AND NOW I am envisioning us on the beach together, the waves crashing as we're discussing the deepest depths of our souls, and how we feel about our mothers, and our biggest dreams...

I guess I just don't make the connection that you're not venting.

You're being a man. And instead... you're telling me what I need to do, how I need to do it and why it needs to be done. And now that it comes across THAT way... get your own fucking ice cream. And you can pat your own knee.

Editioral Note From My Mommy

Best part of my day, for sure. :)

In case you can't read it, this is what it says: My dearest Beth. This is hilarious. Your memmory and mine differ only slightly.

First of all I need to correct your word for claiming other people's horses. The word is "Dibs" (unless of course an evolution took place between your generation and mine, which could have happened while I wasn't looking out your father's window) This form of competion was entertainment while riding in a car when I was little. As long as it was done in a calm and happy way. And looking out all the vehicle windows was allowed to acomplish a win. Somewhere along the line you children changed the rules. I am not sure who did this terrible thing.

Second, I always knew Richie would be bigger and taller than you girls. Image your disbelief when he finally got big enough to fight back and win. Aren't you glad that your father and I believe that it is wrong for a boy to hit a girl??????

Just some thoughts from Mom.

Fearless Friday: Gay Marriage

I've noticed that a lot of bloggers do something called "Wordless Wednesday". So I've decided to make up my own alliterative clever... and do "Fearless Friday". Instead of whining or patting myself on the back about my life, this will be my day to choose something controversial to ramble on about. Mostly just to amuse myself... but also to release some aggression.

So here goes, right? :) Today's topic: "Gay-ness."... "Lesbian-ism" and even..."Homosexuality". As well as their right to shack up together after preforming a ceremony uniting them in the eyes of the law as two people who have entered into a business arrangement to file taxes together and be financially responsible for one another. You know... romance.

Why in the Heavens would I choose this one right off the bat?!?!? I mean... the gulf is gushing oil... the state of Texas has lost it's damn mind... and everyone is about to kill each other over whether or not we're turning communist. (Or is it socialist? Or marxist? And what do those all REALLY mean anyway... hmmm... :)

Well... here it is. My "opinionist-ism".

Number one thing on my list of grievances: Does the "Religious Right" realize that in nature... species go homosexual when there are too many males and not enough females? This is a scientifically proven fact. This "against nature" (not to mention, their very own Creator's great plan) homosexuality in animals who want to get laid... but lack the resources. I'm wondering about that particular Bible passage where God smite the homosexual animals of Sodom and Gomorrah. Perhaps one will find it in "Songs of Solomon" where it's cool for grown men to have sex with little girls and relatives? Let me know.

Punto número dos: "Sanctity of Marriage". When I consider what is sacred within marriage, I think that it is pretty much outlined by our rights within the constitution as free individuals and between two consenting adults. In other words, what Bill and I find sacred between us is really none of anyone's damn business, as long as we're both in agreement. What does happen to be the most "sacred" within the confines of our agreement with the State of California and the Federal Government to report our income as one unit? A sense of humor. Which I doubt very much is unique to a heterosexual relationship... or in The Bible.

What I do realize, however, is that it IS really, really universally important when children are involved... that people hold their responsibility as parents sacred after creating them. For this... I actually applaud a few of the "Christian" based religions on their ways for ensuring that when two of their committed people create another life... they stay together. Fear of "Damnation" to be sure that a kid has at least two people to go to with problems... I'm for it, if that's what it takes. I'm not at all down on single parents or people who leave abusive/totally dysfunctional relationships. One needs to do in this life the best they can with what they got. Plenty of very good and well adjusted people come from single parent families. Statistically speaking, however, children with two parents are overall more well adjusted.

And let us talk statistics for a moment-o... shall we? The current heterosexual divorce rate is over 50%. Does anyone want to venture the guess for just the "split up" ratio of a couple that is gay or lesbian ... and adopts? :) Less than 15%. Probably due to the effort involved for a committed pair of same sex people... who obviously cannot just have sex and "accidentally" conceive another human to raise... but instead have to go through a myriad of paper work... and visits... and testimony by others... (which is all normal)... but then... scrutiny of others who fear they want to abuse/molest/enslave these children. So let me ask you something, if I may: Given the amount of effort it takes to adopt a child if you are gay or lesbian... can we all just agree there probably is no "Damnation"? In conjunction with the amount of heterosexual couples who do, in fact, make children they adopt all about abuse? Can we just agree that the selfless act of individuals raising a child who screams "I hate you!!!" when you give them Honey Nut Cheerios instead of Coco Pops... and then can still find it in their hearts to celebrate every accomplishment and wipe every tear... deserves your support?? Seriously. There should be "Sainthood" given for it. That completely normal... and completely defiant child DID NOT COME FROM THEIR WOMB. (Or... you know... Testes.) Most of the time, there was no "baby bonding period." God called... He agrees with me and decided many years ago (when He created us the way we are) that there is a special place for all who adopt. And they all get the same tax breaks in Heaven for it. Sorry to disappoint.

Further more, on the point of "sanctity"... what exactly is to be preserved? I cannot for the life of me see what it is that is better or holier or superior in regards to your every day man and woman "marriage" vs. your lesbian neighbors and their "relationship". Speaking from experience... which is really all we have right?... I married young. It didn't work. We split up and I found a new, happier life. We had no children, which I (personally) feel is the one reason you should always think twice when you're unhappy. You're children deserve for you two to try your utmost to make it work, at the very LEAST. In my case, though... we were young and inexperienced and free. So we left each other and attempted again in life to find what would make us happy. Why is the divorce that I filed for not any big thing and pretty much just accepted as the way it is now days... but when it comes to granting Gay and Lesbians the right to join forces... well, shit. We can't do that. They'll be marrying each other left and right and then filing for divorce in no time. It will be a free for all... these "gays" running out... getting married... divorcing. Mass hysteria. Cats and dogs, living together...

So seriously... what are we "preserving" with all our argument of "sanctity"? Good luck on that answer, my friend. Because you know what it is we're actually preserving? Our inclination as human beings to look down on others and discriminate. That's all it is. When you were little, you did that. You choose your elementary school friends based on who you felt comfortable with. You played together on the playground and traded lunch and other various treasures with them. You sat next to them. And the weird kids who either smelled funny, looked funny or acted different from you... you stayed away from. If your personality is to lash out at the different... you bullied them. If you're a non-confrontational... you either ignored them or you faked kindness when necessary, and hurried back to your group. Whatever your style... you choose your friends, hung with them and could only wonder what it is that others did when they were together hanging out.

Know what they were doing? Playing together and trading lunches and other various treasures, same as you. Probably just different games, food and stuff is all. And that is ALL this really boils down to. We elitist "heterosexuals" with our finger on the pulse of what it is that makes a marriage work... with our 50%+ divorce "grading curve", of course... we don't know what those "gays" do when they're all "married"... and shit. We know they're having all that "gay sex"... (which of course upsets the majority of us because of our own occasional (or constant) same sex attractions)... but other than the insanely wild gay sexfest we can't stop thinking about, we're at a loss. What are they doing??!? What are they doing over there, in that extremely stylish condo, being all "married"?

We'll... since I know a lot of "the gays" personally... I'll tell you. I'll TOTALLY let you in... and perhaps I'll win some kind of peacekeeping award, because I promise you'll feel better. Come close.

Know what they're doing over there? Making breakfast. Using the restroom. Complaining back and forth to one another about the little annoying habits that they both have. Discussing family/friend/co-worker/acquaintance gossip. Hurting when one says something unkind to the other one. Worrying about their jobs/bills/mortgages/kids/sick parents. Flipping through 500+ channels and being irritated that nothing is on. Lying awake in the bedroom wondering why their spouse is out watching TV instead of coming to bed. Dreaming about accomplishing goals. BBQing and drinking Corona with lime on a hot day. I know this all may sound a little "foreign". Hard to imagine, even.

I will tell you one thing, though. Their condo is sure to be a LOT swankier than yours. So I actually propose that instead of publicly making an ass out of yourself... not to mention looking completely ignorant and hateful... you instead take a baby step today and make gay and lesbians your "frenemies". Let's go ahead and get over our discrimination and wanting for un-equality, circa pre-1954. Let's instead do what any good hearted, yet jealous, person would do... and allow an even playing field. It makes sitting around and gossiping much, much more fun. :)

I Guess I'll Share My Feelings. It's My Damn Blog.

Sooooo... Bill broke my heart this morning by getting on me about something he's upset about. It's always amazing to me that I can go from "happy/content" to "pond scum" in about 60 seconds with him. We're trying to work on this... but it's hard. He sometimes hurts my feelings because he is so very logical, which can be great and irritating all at the same time.

I wish I was a "logical". These "logicals" they walk around and they are always looking at things for function and purpose. As opposed to us "emotionals". We are walking around looking at things for "feeling" and "intensity". The logicals do not understand how decision making can be made off of needs for validation or comfort. If it doesn't have a systematic plan or fulfill a goal... why then you just move on and keep working the puzzle. All the pieces must be shaped like your traditional tongues and grooves and they will fit together eventually and make a nice rectangular picture.

Sometimes I like my crazy puzzle that has circular and trapezoid shaped pieces that somehow fit together and has no definite finished shape. Other times I wish I could just be working on a nice rectangular ending.

Certainly, though, I just wish I had more of this logic super power. And a better protective coating on my heart.

Childhood Tale of Funny

Today my sister Laura poked me on FaceBook. Not being one to take something like that lightly... I informed her that I would be telling mom on her. And to quit looking out my window.

My other sister, Rachel, I discovered does not know of this "looking out my window" offense of which I speak. It occurs to me that neither do you, most likely. And in the event we are ever riding in a car together, I want you to know full well what you should never do, lest you want me to start a pinching fest when those in the front seats aren't looking.

When Laura, Richie and I were little, our parents had normal sedan style vehicles. Which meant that Laura sat next to the door on one side of the backseat... and I sat next to the door on the other side. Richie use to actually be a lot smaller than Laura and I. I know... right? I don't believe me either... but it is the truth. Anyway... he had to sit in the middle. Which he called the "mush pot" and cried about. A lot. Until my dad told him it wasn't the "mush pot"... no, no, son. "It's the KING'S seat. And you're sister's aren't even allowed to sit in it. That's the spot for my boy! My Son! The KING!" Ummmm... I believe that worked. Once.

So when we would take trips... most of the time the ones that consisted of the parent's swapping responsibility for the weekend... we did what a lot of other children usually do when they are sitting 3 to a backseat, and annoyed the crap out of each other... and my parents. I do want to say for the record that Laura started it. ALL of it. Every time. :) So I retaliated by casually turning my head her way and looking out the window on her side of the backseat at the moon, or a horse we were passing or the car next to us... or anything really. As long as it was there, it became very, very interesting to me. And Laura would become INcensed. "MOM! MOM!!! She is doing it again!! She's LOOKING.OUT.MY.WINDOW.!! Make her stop looking out my window. She has her own window!! She doesn't NEED to look out MY window."

So I think the first time that happened... my mom (or dad... whomever had the privilege of making sense out of THAT horrific sibling torture method)... must have laughed, right? It's kinda of funny. Freaking out about someone looking out a window that happens to be next to your head in a car. However... in our family this was a huge issue for YEARS. Whenever I wanted to irritate Laura or when she wanted to irritate me, we did this to each other to the point where my parents would yell non-sensical things like,

"IF ANYONE LOOKS OUT A WINDOW THAT IS NOT THEIRS... AT ANYTHING... FOR ANY REASON... AGAIN, EVERYONE IS GETTING A SPANKING AND GOING TO BED WHEN WE GET HOME."

"ALRIGHT. THAT's IT! If the moon is out Beth's window tonight, then it's her night for the moon. The END. I cannot change the gravitation pull of the earth to make this fair."

"YOU CANNOT say "dibs" (the imaginary method of claiming ownership of other people's horses for your own) to horses that are out Laura's window. You may ONLY say dibs to horses out your window. If there are no horses on your side, I feel badly for you... but it's your day for out of luck. You may instead want to "dibs" cars you like on the other side of the freeway. They'll get you where you want to go a little faster anyway, and you don't have to shovel their poop."

We literally were not allowed to turn our heads in the backseat for years. And my poor, poor brother. The only window he could look out was the front windshield. It's a wonder he has peripheral vision. He had to stare straight ahead, because if he turned his head a millimeter to either side, Laura and I ganged up on him and it was over. I believe this is probably why he grew to be 6'3" and large. It was out of pure spite. And to insure he will NEVER sit in the mush pot again as long as he lives. :)

Here Be Dragons

Yesterday I watched this little slice of "Huh. That makes a lot of sense." with my sister.

http://herebedragonsmovie.com/


Lately I've been on kind of a "truth quest". I'm not sure anymore about what it is I believe in spiritually, other than trying to be the best person I can be, and treating others with respect and love. There will be more to come on this, I am sure. For now... enjoy the link. It is very entertaining. :)

My Daddy

"Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad." ~Author Unknown







It is from him that I get my sense of humor and my charisma. It is from him that I am learning responsibility and patience. In all things I seek his approval and am often amazed at his way of knowing this... and gently telling me it's up to me. He loves my sister and brother and I unconditionally and has always been there for us.

One day I hope to be half as great.


“What do I owe my father? Everything.” ~ Henry Van Dyke.

Rachel Is Here!

Rachel Anne Leavell arrived today to stay with us for 35 days! We have big plans for weight loss (where I help her) and house organization (where she helps me). I am very happy. :)

She brought her iTouch with her. It contains a lot of 80's music, per this throwback trend of today's teenagers. I like the excitement on teenage faces when the discover "new" old music. We talked about the Jonas Brothers (and when I say we... I mean she) and first kisses on the way back from the airport. I am very impressed that she has also brought all of her AP homework with her for next year's classes. She gets that from Laura, that academic responsibility thing.

She and Billy are watching "The Land Before Time". I enjoyed very much that she was shocked that I remembered when that movie came out... and that I also vividly remember seeing it in the theatre. Must be my youthful 21(x10) year old appearance...

:)

Patience

Had a hard time sleeping last night... but miraculously Charlie went back to sleep early this morning and I got to sort of sleep in.

I feel REALLY good today.

Bill posted a beautiful Steve Earle song this morning, called "Little Rock n' Roller" that brought tears to my eyes. Being the über emotional one in our relationship, I often mistake his lack of outward emotion for what must be going on inside him internally. Bill has spent a total of 14 (short) periods of time with Charlie in the 16 months he's been alive. This last time he left it was shortly before his first birthday and Charlie was a baby not even walking. Only to come home and find him a talking and walking toddler. We kid ourselves when we discuss his absence by saying that "If there is a part of their growing up that is the best to miss, it's the baby stage. Charlie won't remember it." But Bill, I know, won't ever forget not seeing any milestones and having to "get to know" his second son after this whole this is over. I think about what he is giving up for us and how much I truly love him and for one of the few times in life, words of that magnitude escape me.

I learned something about Billy this morning. He woke up and right away began today's existence defiant and stubborn. He wanted peanut butter and jelly for breakfast... and then after I told him he may NOT eat it anywhere but at the kitchen table... why then, he informs me he was "Just tricking me. He hates peanut butter and jelly." Which is so odd, since I am pretty sure that Billy's molecular makeup at this point consists of water, yogurt and PB&J. Every once in awhile he gets crazy eats something exotic like mac-n-cheese or a pork chop. Anyway, I let it be and told him basically that the sandwich was his for the remainder of the day until it was gone. This brought on the barrage of classic juvenile manipulation tactics, with well loved zingers such as, "I HATE you, Mom." and "You are NOT the best mom ever." As well as the best one for last: "If you don't let me eat in the living room I am gonna RUN AWAY."

I didn't react. I just let him stomp it out. After he was upstairs for about 5 minutes, I went up there as well. The little stinker was laying in my bed, so I climbed into bed with him. Interestingly enough, filled with hate and dreams of life as a 4 year old run away, he snuggled up to me. I asked him to tell me a story. The story was about a princess, a prince, a witch, a queen and a king. Apparently in that particular kingdom, the princess and the prince got married and kissed... and then they had the king and queen. Then the witch came along... and she covered them with slime and made them eat boogers. And gave them all allergies. To his credit, he did tell me originally what the witch did to them was a secret because it was gross. I am EVER so glad I insisted that he share.

After about 10 minutes of snuggle story time... he was fine. Came down, ate his PB&J at the table and has been... uhhh... let's go with "normal Billy" ever since. I must remember that my oldest child is a lot like his mother in that he requires physical touch, as well as verbal affirmation, to feel loved. And patience... lots and lots of patience. For our sakes, it's a good thing we have his father to give us both a lot of patience.

Strange Transmissions

I feel odd today. Sort of out of body like. Kind of drugged. Numb. Not sure about this whole thing...

...Other than I also feel motivated and nothing is bothering me. Nothing. Billy is in his normal button pushing mode and instead of me being all agitated and snappy... he is actually making me laugh with his little smart ass remarks. Charlie and I spent most of the beginning of the morning cuddling and "talking" before Billy got up. It amazes me how different the two of them are personality wise. I like it.

Perhaps this is the right thing to do for now. I don't feel like drinking. Which is new and exciting. I do feel like establishing some sort of household, everyday chore routine that I stick to. As well as schedule for the boys. My block on this is that I want the house perfect and everything exactly right to be able to *start*. Which is just not going to happen. So today we just start...

Geronimo!

Second Post... Feels a little easier.

Also considering I am going to go with the leg shaving conditioner theme... I figure I should expand upon that a little. May you be amused by my pain.

I am... and always have been... a typical redhead with fair, sensitive skin. You will never know this for sure about me because the day they put me in the ground, I will still be a blond. One of the banes of my existence on earth has always been razor burn. Specifically and most frequently the bikini zone, but off and on the legs and the armpits as well. As well as dry, itchy skin... which leads to an irritation rash no matter how much lotion I slather on.

I have tried every.single.shaving cream known to man, to combat this problem. Lured by promises of "moisture" and "sensitive skin protection"... I am a sucker every time for pretty packaged full of LIES. LIES!! Once I even bought a product online called "Coochie Cream" because it swore on it's mother's grave to leave me bump and irritation free. And I paid $14.50 plus shipping for the same thing $4.95 plus tax at Target gets me: IRRITATION.

One day when I was getting ready to go big on a 3 zone fully targeted hair removal session... it occurred to me that conditioner is emollient. Hmmmm... it's does soften hair. It's good for the scalp. Hmmmm...

So I used it. And it worked. (!) I did still get the slightest bit of razor burn in the bikini area... but comparative wise... only I would notice. Another thing that blew me away was that I got the closest shave 5 blades can bring you next to being skinned alive! My skin was very moisturized and no itch at all. Amazing! All these years and the answer was in my shower all along, shaking it's head at me and playing cool.

The only downside: You do go through blades a lot faster because of the amount of gook you're scraping off of your dermis. To me... WORTH IT. So there you have it.

First Post... Oh the pressure.

My first post. What to say...? Hmmmm...

Bill left Friday. It's Sunday. He'll be home in approximately 108 days. I am trying really hard to think about funny, uplifting things and enjoy the children. I think it's working.

Also I am currently trying to selectively inhibit my serotonin reuptake with little yellow pills. I read up on this shit because I can never bring myself to take a drug if I do not know exactly what it will do to my body and brain chemistry. Apparently when you have a thought... your synapses fire and basically make a connection with each other. Taking an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) causes the serotonin involved in this firing process to NOT burn off (as it does normally at 90% rate), but instead to hang around. Serotonin is the stuff your brain releases that makes you happy and gives you a sense of well being. Sooooooo... here's to hoping with a little more serotonin in my brain I will feel like doing all the things I need to do and get them done. In a good mood, even. I've been on it for 5 days now and I will say that just today I noticed a change in my emotion. No desire to yell at the oldest child for any crazy/annoying/defiant thing he did and I haven't cried once. Which is a huge change from yesterday and the days before. So I got that going for me, so far...

My youngest sister is coming on Wednesday and I am really excited about that. I don't know how long she will be here, but I hope it is for a substantial amount of days. It will be really nice to have so much time to enjoy her, instead of having to work the majority of the time and try and enjoy her when I am tired and I just want to zone out from the day. I have beach trips and long workout walks in mind, as well as staying up late watching movies and giggling.

Another thing I am really excited about regardless of how sad I am about Bill leaving again... is our intended move back to the Central Coast. I can't believe Bill agreed to it!!! I could cry I am so happy to be going home. I have never been very happy about living in the mountains of San Bernardino. Mostly due to the "San Bernardino" part... but a healthy portion now has to do with the snow and the ice and the fog. I left "home" in January of 2004. It was suppose to be for a short period of time while I recovered from my split from Wes. Obviously Bill coming into my life and being all "soulmate-ish" and impregnating me with those darn beautiful boys kinda of screwed up that plan. And he's told me from day one that we'd never move up there because we couldn't afford it. I don't know which part of my whining finally broke the camel's back... but I could not be happier. I cannot wait to show him my home and all of the million reasons I love life up there. Yay!