A Hard 4th

Bill and I have never spent a 4th of July apart since we met in 2004. Today was hard.

It got me thinking about what matters in my life. And what I would do if my life was to become different. If some how my life no longer included him.

I don't mean to bring you down. Truly. Meh. Maybe you should skip this post. I'll let you know when I bring back the funny. :)

I miss him. I miss life when he was here every day. I miss his smell and his touch and his habits, good and bad. I'm angry with myself for making some less than desirable decisions while he's been away out of weakness. If my life changed and I was forever without him, I would never marry or be in a committed relationship again. I can say that with about 99.9999% certainty. I don't think I could ever look at anyone again and say, "Yep. Bring on the Heaven and The Hell! Let's do this." Why??? For what??? The amount of effort Bill and I have put into our relationship and into understanding each other is too great and to think about all of that all over again... Oy. No. Never again.

I'm so tired of this. I just want him home for good. I want him safe and sound, unharmed, un-scared. I want him back home messing up the kitchen, hogging up the bed and hoarding the remote. I want to kiss him whenever I feel like it. I want to see him speak instead of envisioning him in his tent room as I cling to the only thing I have on a constant basis: The sound of his voice. I don't think any of this has been worth it. At all.

Frustration

SO.VERY.FRUSTRATED.

The one thing that frustrates me more than anything else on the face of the planet is being told that I agreed to something in a conversation that I didn't. Why does this frustrate me so much? I am sure one would assume with a memory like mine this could happen. It's probable. It's feasible. It's probably even HAS happened a time or two. I guess because when I actually do remember the conversation that you're referring to... it's not that I agreed to something and then did the opposite. It's more like you probably told me how you felt about something... and then I choose to not argue and let you say your peace. That is not agreement. That is called listening.

More than likely, when it is a man that is at odds with me over this... what I was actually doing is allowing you to just vent. My feminine ears sensed what they thought was the need for a good "letting out of emotion." I thought about telling you to just "talk it out"... "just let it out"... I'm here for you. But then I was like, "Holy SHIT! He's venting. I spend half my life wondering what the hell he's thinking... and here it is! YAY! Feelings! He's letting me in! I'm in baby... I'm IN!" My heart is swelling. So I'm all wrapped up in your walls coming down... and wondering if I should pat your knee... or get you a bowl of ice cream. I am LISTENING to you. You're sharing your feelings with me. I'm mentally cataloging what your wearing right now so that I might keep this for later. AND NOW I am envisioning us on the beach together, the waves crashing as we're discussing the deepest depths of our souls, and how we feel about our mothers, and our biggest dreams...

I guess I just don't make the connection that you're not venting.

You're being a man. And instead... you're telling me what I need to do, how I need to do it and why it needs to be done. And now that it comes across THAT way... get your own fucking ice cream. And you can pat your own knee.

I Guess I'll Share My Feelings. It's My Damn Blog.

Sooooo... Bill broke my heart this morning by getting on me about something he's upset about. It's always amazing to me that I can go from "happy/content" to "pond scum" in about 60 seconds with him. We're trying to work on this... but it's hard. He sometimes hurts my feelings because he is so very logical, which can be great and irritating all at the same time.

I wish I was a "logical". These "logicals" they walk around and they are always looking at things for function and purpose. As opposed to us "emotionals". We are walking around looking at things for "feeling" and "intensity". The logicals do not understand how decision making can be made off of needs for validation or comfort. If it doesn't have a systematic plan or fulfill a goal... why then you just move on and keep working the puzzle. All the pieces must be shaped like your traditional tongues and grooves and they will fit together eventually and make a nice rectangular picture.

Sometimes I like my crazy puzzle that has circular and trapezoid shaped pieces that somehow fit together and has no definite finished shape. Other times I wish I could just be working on a nice rectangular ending.

Certainly, though, I just wish I had more of this logic super power. And a better protective coating on my heart.

My Daddy

"Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad." ~Author Unknown







It is from him that I get my sense of humor and my charisma. It is from him that I am learning responsibility and patience. In all things I seek his approval and am often amazed at his way of knowing this... and gently telling me it's up to me. He loves my sister and brother and I unconditionally and has always been there for us.

One day I hope to be half as great.


“What do I owe my father? Everything.” ~ Henry Van Dyke.

Strange Transmissions

I feel odd today. Sort of out of body like. Kind of drugged. Numb. Not sure about this whole thing...

...Other than I also feel motivated and nothing is bothering me. Nothing. Billy is in his normal button pushing mode and instead of me being all agitated and snappy... he is actually making me laugh with his little smart ass remarks. Charlie and I spent most of the beginning of the morning cuddling and "talking" before Billy got up. It amazes me how different the two of them are personality wise. I like it.

Perhaps this is the right thing to do for now. I don't feel like drinking. Which is new and exciting. I do feel like establishing some sort of household, everyday chore routine that I stick to. As well as schedule for the boys. My block on this is that I want the house perfect and everything exactly right to be able to *start*. Which is just not going to happen. So today we just start...

Geronimo!

First Post... Oh the pressure.

My first post. What to say...? Hmmmm...

Bill left Friday. It's Sunday. He'll be home in approximately 108 days. I am trying really hard to think about funny, uplifting things and enjoy the children. I think it's working.

Also I am currently trying to selectively inhibit my serotonin reuptake with little yellow pills. I read up on this shit because I can never bring myself to take a drug if I do not know exactly what it will do to my body and brain chemistry. Apparently when you have a thought... your synapses fire and basically make a connection with each other. Taking an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) causes the serotonin involved in this firing process to NOT burn off (as it does normally at 90% rate), but instead to hang around. Serotonin is the stuff your brain releases that makes you happy and gives you a sense of well being. Sooooooo... here's to hoping with a little more serotonin in my brain I will feel like doing all the things I need to do and get them done. In a good mood, even. I've been on it for 5 days now and I will say that just today I noticed a change in my emotion. No desire to yell at the oldest child for any crazy/annoying/defiant thing he did and I haven't cried once. Which is a huge change from yesterday and the days before. So I got that going for me, so far...

My youngest sister is coming on Wednesday and I am really excited about that. I don't know how long she will be here, but I hope it is for a substantial amount of days. It will be really nice to have so much time to enjoy her, instead of having to work the majority of the time and try and enjoy her when I am tired and I just want to zone out from the day. I have beach trips and long workout walks in mind, as well as staying up late watching movies and giggling.

Another thing I am really excited about regardless of how sad I am about Bill leaving again... is our intended move back to the Central Coast. I can't believe Bill agreed to it!!! I could cry I am so happy to be going home. I have never been very happy about living in the mountains of San Bernardino. Mostly due to the "San Bernardino" part... but a healthy portion now has to do with the snow and the ice and the fog. I left "home" in January of 2004. It was suppose to be for a short period of time while I recovered from my split from Wes. Obviously Bill coming into my life and being all "soulmate-ish" and impregnating me with those darn beautiful boys kinda of screwed up that plan. And he's told me from day one that we'd never move up there because we couldn't afford it. I don't know which part of my whining finally broke the camel's back... but I could not be happier. I cannot wait to show him my home and all of the million reasons I love life up there. Yay!