Bill and I have never spent a 4th of July apart since we met in 2004. Today was hard.
It got me thinking about what matters in my life. And what I would do if my life was to become different. If some how my life no longer included him.
I don't mean to bring you down. Truly. Meh. Maybe you should skip this post. I'll let you know when I bring back the funny. :)
I miss him. I miss life when he was here every day. I miss his smell and his touch and his habits, good and bad. I'm angry with myself for making some less than desirable decisions while he's been away out of weakness. If my life changed and I was forever without him, I would never marry or be in a committed relationship again. I can say that with about 99.9999% certainty. I don't think I could ever look at anyone again and say, "Yep. Bring on the Heaven and The Hell! Let's do this." Why??? For what??? The amount of effort Bill and I have put into our relationship and into understanding each other is too great and to think about all of that all over again... Oy. No. Never again.
I'm so tired of this. I just want him home for good. I want him safe and sound, unharmed, un-scared. I want him back home messing up the kitchen, hogging up the bed and hoarding the remote. I want to kiss him whenever I feel like it. I want to see him speak instead of envisioning him in his tent room as I cling to the only thing I have on a constant basis: The sound of his voice. I don't think any of this has been worth it. At all.
Thank you for writing this and not glossing it over.
ReplyDeleteSome day, when there is a moment that you are irritated by the things he is doing...you will be able to transport accurately back to this moment and know that you wouldn't change the opportunity to be irritated by him for any damn thing in the world.
You are being a rock star. I am so proud of you for loving him so thoroughly. I am proud of you for loving yourself thoroughly enough to know how much he is a vital part of who you are.