Fearless Friday: Feminism

I bet you think you know where I stand on this one, don't you? :)

No. No... you don't. <---- That, perhaps, will entice you to read this post. Just think of it as a little Kim Kardashian salad ad, if not. Come on... you know you want to try that damn salad. :)

This morning my husband and I went over our budget, and he was the Alpha and I was the Beta. This is a bit new for us. I have always been the Alpha. I am not too proud to say that in the past 4 months he's been gone... I have not excelled at "budgeting". There were a lot of those "Right Turn Only" signs that I just decided were warnings and not laws. Metaphorically. I confessed my affairs with Target and Kohl's to him, head hung down in shame, and then after a few stern glaces and some not so happy words, he got over it. Mostly because he loves me and is a wonderful man. But also, probably because I added "Why don't you take over the budget? Give me an allowance. I think that will work out a lot better."

The minute these words left my lips, I cringed inside. I felt like I wanted to jump outside of myself and bitch slap me. "WHAT are you thinking? Give you AN ALLOWANCE? What is this... the 50's? What if you NEED to do something and he doesn't give you permission? Or worse... what if there is a sale... like the SALE of a century... and he says, "NO."???" Oy. OY. OY!!!! I could feel it slipping... the Control. I do NOT deal with that well. I had to just maintain so as to keep from hyperventilating. (Did YOU just SAY THAT? Out LOUD? Stupid, stupid girl.) I probably poured myself a drink... or 5. And then moved on from the door I just closed on my foot.

Still, this morning has left me all warm and fuzzy despite the broken metatarsals and phalanges. Let's tread into this a bit, shall we? Maybe we'll come out on the other side with the same feelings.

I want to tell you a story, but I am going to purposely leave out some details. You will have to just get over that part, OK? Thank you. I appreciate it. When I was about 11 years old I witnessed something that would shape my life like few other events ever have. I witnessed a husband go into his kitchen and attempt to get into a drawer where his wife stored her utensils for cooking. She was an amazing cook, as well as an amazing mother, so she made her children empty the dishawasher and put these "tools" away. This way, her children would learn responsibility. However, these children were like any other children when it came to their chores. They often stuffed things into the wrong place for the sake of time, and tried to short cut organization so that they could go out and be young and play.

On this particular day, apparently, the husband (whom you most certainly may classify as "selfish" and a bit "misogynistic"... go forth. With my blessings.) had, had enough of these unruly children. He also had, had enough of his wife allowing them to be lazy, normal children. He pulled, and pulled and pulled on the drawer until the face plate came apart and the utensils spilled all over the floor. Then in a rage, he gathered up the hundreds and hundreds of dollars, and years and years worth of collecting that the wife had invested in her "tools"... and he went out to the garage, grabbed a trash can... and threw them in. The wife, who had been in the back of the house, heard the commotion and she came rushing to see what was a matter. When she saw what he was doing, she began to sob, "Please. PLEASE. PLEASE STOP. Don't throw away my things... my tools. Please don't do this." And then she got onto her knees.

And as I watched this from a corner of the room... I can tell you that a fire began to burn inside of me. Had I not been a scrawny, scared, 11 year old girl, I would have taken a trash can... gone into the garage... and began to throw his "tools"... his wrenches, his screwdrivers, his nut drivers, his power tools... EVERYTHING... into a trash can. And had I been a full grown adult man on top of it, I would have hit him in the face and knocked that motherfucker OUT. I don't think I have words to describe to you what it felt like to watch that. I will say, for the sake of the story, that her sobbing eventually softened him... and he shoved the trash can at her and walked away. Leaving her to dig her things out, and rewash them, and put them away.

My feelings about equality run DEEP. I once got into a fight with my ex husband because he threw my outdated TV guide away before I was done with the crossword puzzle in the back. He didn't ASK me if I needed it. I shit you not. Not proud of it... but it is what it is.

So let's take a breath. I took you to a dark place. Let's take another breath. Back to Bill.

This morning he called and wanted to know what the bills for this up coming month were. I informed him of all that needed to be paid. He then proceeded to take a stern tone while he calculated in his head what needed to be done, and then rationed out the remaining. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. And do you remember in Avatar when Neytiri stood over a wounded Jake Sully and hissed like a mountain lion? That was me this morning over my control. IMMEDIATELY... I was on the defensive. "Breeeeeeeath." I remembered that I brought this on myself through my irresponsibility... and I calmed down. I just listened.

His plan made sense. He is the logical one after all... and I am the emotional one who will spend in a fit of depression to feel better. There ends up being nothing in this whole equation that is anti-feminist. ??? WHA-WHAT? But I am NOT the BOSS. (?) I have NO argument to shift the control back(?) And even worse... I am letting HIM boss ME around (?) How can this be? Are you for REALZ on this, Beth Howard?

Yes. Yes, I am. For you see, I have decided that when you find the right man... you need not worry so much anymore about exerting your feminist defense. Good for you for having that hard core, platinum shield of "I am WOMAN! Treat me RIGHT!" up at all times. You need it. Until you find HIM. When you find him, you'll also find that he doesn't mind so much the shield... as he does the fact that you're not listening to him tell you that he WANTS you to make decisions. That he LIKES the ones you make. As long as they go along with the plan you BOTH have created.

And isn't/wouldn't it be the most intensely gratifying thing to know that he is standing up to YOU so that YOU choose to follow the path your feminism laid out in the first place? I can assure you... it is.